


Broken Vessels

by meredithhildebrand



Category: Carry On - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: Boys In Love, Confessions, Domestic Fluff, Fluff, I don't really know what else to tag this, M/M, SO MUCH FLUFF, Some angst, but not a lot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-17
Updated: 2017-05-17
Packaged: 2018-11-01 22:26:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,246
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10931277
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/meredithhildebrand/pseuds/meredithhildebrand
Summary: Baz comes home to a sleeping Simon.I honestly really hate writing summaries.





	Broken Vessels

* * *

**_BAZ_ **

  
When I walk into Simon and Penelope's flat, my stomach drops. The main area of the apartment and is dark and deserted, and I take a step forward to turn on the light switch.

"Snow?" I call, slipping off my shoes and hanging my black coat on the hook next to the door. When I don't hear a reply, I start walking farther into the flat, my eyes skimming the large, open room. When I make it to the door of Simon's room, I hesitantly push it slightly open with my fingertips. All I see is a large blanketed lump, and I let out a heavy exhale as I walk inside slowly. Simon's laying there, with his blue eyes closed. He's curled himself into a tight little ball, and memories start to flood through my head.

Blue eyes.

Bronze curls.

I still think that I can't hurt him, but what's different is that no one can hurt him either. He's mine now. I sit down next to him and put my hand on his shoulder, leaning my head down so that my lips are just barely brushing his ear.

"Love?" I whisper, but I don't hear him say anything. I set my forehead on his shoulder and breathe against him for a few seconds. He smells like citrus, and something else, something almost woodsy. I smile against him, and kiss his shoulder softly. I don't want to wake him. I feel him slightly stir and a hand squirms out from underneath the blankets. A second later there's warm fingers grasping tightly onto mine. I fight back a grin, but it comes anyway as I reach out my hand to let my fingers slowly run through Simon's bronze curls. They slip through my fingers like water, and this is all that I think I'll ever want in my life.

"I love you," I murmur softly, testing out the words. I hope that he hasn't woken up yet. I'm normally not that soft with him because dealing with my feelings for him has always been difficult, since I spent most years pining for him without him even knowing. Now that I have him, here with me, all those emotions are still hard to control. It's hard being able to realize that he loves me too, after all this time. After _everything_. It's still difficult for me to show how I feel because if I did, he would probably call me a sappy romantic, which I'm not. At least not to his face, most of the time. But when he's here, sleeping, with my fingers tangled into his curls and his hand intertwined with mine, it finally dawns on me that I don't have to pretend how much I love him anymore.

He's here. _I don't have to pretend anymore._

The thought is overwhelming, and I feel my face growing warmer, and my eyes begin to water slowly. My vision goes blurry, and I don't think that I can remember the last time I cried.

 

**_SIMON_ **

  
I've been on the verge of sleeping this whole time, but as soon as I hear Baz's breath hitch, my tired eyes shoot open and I sit up quickly.

"Baz?" I say, my voice quiet.He looks at me and his eyes are slightly red, and I can't remember the last time I saw him looking like this.

"What's wrong?" I murmur, reaching out a hand to him and taking his hand in mine.With his other hand, he wipes his eyes and runs a hand through his dark hair.

"Nothing, Simon. Go back to sleep," he says hoarsely, and I raise an eyebrow.

"No," I say firmly, and he gives me a confused look. For a second, I almost get angry, but the look on his face refrains me from doing so.

"Tell me what's wrong, Baz. Please," I reply, squeezing his fingers with mine. I've never seen him look like this, but I know that I never want him to. I want to help him.

"Simon, really. It's nothing," Baz says, and he sounds exhausted. He doesn't understand that I want to fix him. He's still putting up that cool, unemotional facade, but he doesn't understand that he doesn't need to do that with me anymore.

"It's not nothing, Baz. Seriously," I reply, swallowing. I still don't know how I'm going to fix any of this, but I know that I have to try.

**_BAZ_ **

Merlin, I don't know what I've gotten myself into. I can't say that I'm crying because of how much I love him, now can I?

I shake my head and swallow as I look back at Simon. He's looking at me with the most concerned face that I've ever seen, and his eyes glow bright blue in the dim light. Crowley, he's gorgeous.

" _Simon_ ," I whisper, and Simon scoots forward."What is it?" he murmurs back to me, taking my hand in his. I look at him quickly, and his eyes are full of light. 

"I-..." I say softly, my eyes drifting away from him and focusing on _anything else._ Merlin, I don't know if I can do this. For all I know, saying this to Simon could make him nervous and he could run off. Or, the alternative is that he loves me too.

No fucking way. It's only been a few months. I've loved him for four fucking _years_.

I'm not an expert on love, but I'm damn well sure that it takes more than five months to truly fall in love with someone. Maybe Simon will love me that way too, someday. Hopefully.   
   
 ** _SIMON_**  
   
Baz is looking at me, his grey eyes dark, and I think that I can feel myself beginning to flush deeply. I wish that I knew what he's thinking. Sometimes, late at night when Baz has fallen asleep, I think that I would kill a man just to be able to see an inch into Baz's brain. To be able to see what happens in his mind.

Even if it's five of my secrets to do so, just to know one of his.

I inhale heavily and move my hand up to cup Baz's face. His skin is warm, and I can tell that he's recently been feeding.   
His breath hitches, and I can very faintly feel him leaning into my touch. I smile softly, as I press my forehead against Baz's.  
"Baz, whatever it is, you can tell me," I whisper softly, and I exhale quietly. He sniffs and I feel his warm breath slightly casting over my face.  
I want to kiss him. So I do, pressing my lips against his. His mouth is warm, and it takes him a few seconds to respond, but when he does, I swear that I can see stars. His hands claw at my back and he's kissing me with some sort of raw intensity that's so enthralling it makes my stomach drop. I feel like I'm melting into him, and all I see all I feel is _him_. He's intoxicating.  
It feels like I have my magic back inside of me again, filling my chest with a supernova, leaving me faultless. 

 

 _New_.

  
Even though I don't want to let go of him, I damn well know that kissing can't solve everything, so I pull away slowly, still holding onto his face.   
Baz's hands have made their way underneath my shirt, and his palms are cool against my skin. He's breathing heavily against me.  
"Tell me, Baz," I murmur, moving my thumb back and forth against the smooth skin of his cheek.   
He swallows deeply, and he unwinds one of his hands from around my waist and grabs onto my wrist, gripping my skin tightly.   
"Simon," he murmurs throatily, and I swallow. I don't know what he wants to say.  
"I.." he drags off, and I feel him trying to move away, so I gently grab his shoulder. He's quiet for what I swear feels like an eternity, and for a few seconds, it feels like it's only me and him in the world. He's breathing against me, and his tight grip finally loosens slowly, and he lets out a heavy, deep exhale that sounds like he's fighting off tears. 

**_BAZ_ **

Merlin, I can't go back now. I'll be damned if I do.  
It feels like only Simon and I exist in our own little bubble, and I've never felt this closely intertwined with another person before.  
I let out a deep, throaty exhale and loosen my grip on his wrist. He's breathing softly against me, and a soft smile fights it way to my face before I can even tell it to leave. My heart is pounding in my chest, and I think that my brain is short-circuiting because of how _desperate_ I am to say the words that I've wanted to say for years. It feels like I'm lit on fire, and I think that I can hear my mother's words echoing faintly in the back of my mind.

_Light a match inside your heart, and blow on the tinder._

I take a deep breath, and press my lips to his fervidly.  
I've never felt this _alive_.  
I feel him exhale against my mouth, and my arms wrap around him and I pull him closer, closer, closer until he's practically in my lap and he's invading all of my thoughts, killing everything I'm trying to think.

I feel like I'm going to burst soon from the supernova that's filling my chest, and for a moment, it feels like I have Simon's magic inside of me again, filling me up to the brim with fire and leaving me limitless.  
_Infinite_.  
" _I love you,"_ I finally say, and I feel Simon gasp against my mouth.  
It feels like a chain has broken, and I'm _finally set free._  
   
 ** _SIMON_**  
   
As soon as I hear him say the words, my stomach flips and my heart thrums with electricity in my chest.   
I wait for the nerves, the need to run away, to surface, but it doesn't. All I feel is a steady feeling of contentment, as I grin so big that my face hurts. And I realize that I haven't been this happy in _so long_ , and the feeling is almost overwhelming.  
" _I love you,_ " he says again, against my mouth, and he says it like he's coming up for air.  
I grin against him, and my head drops down to his collarbone, and I feel him against me. His breath ghosts heavily over me, and as we're sitting here, I feel like everything that's happened to us is just part of the road to happiness.   
And honestly, that's all I've ever wanted. The thing is that I never thought I would actually be able to have it.

 _Happiness_. And maybe, I finally have a chance to be happy.  
Maybe it's finally time to forgive after everything's that's happened. 

Maybe, just maybe, I'm finally _ready_ to forgive. Maybe I'm finally ready to move on. To start over.

Maybe I'm ready to take these faults that scar me and embrace them. Maybe it's time to look myself in the eye and tell myself that it's okay to be a little broken. It's okay to have faults. If I didn't have them, I wouldn't be the person that I am today.

I remember being called a broken vessel when I was younger, because of all of my magic that I couldn't seem to hold, no matter how hard I tried. In the eyes of others, I was cracked. Damaged goods. People looked at me, and saw me as the person who could've been _so much,_ but wasn't. In their eyes, I wasn't who they wanted me to be. I wasn't who they _needed_ me to be.

For me, that was the most damaging thing. Not being able to be what others wanted. 

It didn't make sense to me then, but it does now. Being called a broken vessel doesn't mean that I'm inevitably destructive. It's being scarred by things that in the end, only made me stronger. I spent my whole life trying to heal the wounded parts of myself, but what I didn't know is that being flawed, that being broken, is okay. People can't be perfect.

I spent so many years trying to be the person that everyone else wanted me to be, even though I was destroying myself in the process. I thought that I was letting everyone down.

I thought that I was letting myself down, and what hurt me the most was knowing that I could never be the person that other people wanted me to be. I was too much for people to bear. Too loud, too conspicuous, not understanding enough. I couldn't pull myself together long enough to realize that people saw me as an unfortunate mistake. 

Magicians aren't allowed to wish. But still, I did. I wished and wished and _wished_ for something better to eventually come, but it didn't. It took me eight fucking years to realize that my wishes meant nothing, and that's what buried itself deep into my core, never wanting to surface. 

I thought that I was letting _myself_ down. 

It was never easy. None of it was.

Maybe, possibly, I can finally lead myself to a better future. A future that I deserve. A future that we _both_ do, despite everything that's happened.

Maybe we finally both deserve something better.

 

                          ~END~

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, so this idea has been sitting in my mind for a while, and I finally decided to sit down and write it.  
> If this seems really choppy or weirdly written in some parts, I'm really sorry because i wrote the better half of this during my dance rehearsal last night.  
> This definitely went a lot longer than I wanted it to, but I really liked the way it turned out so the length doesn't really bother me. I wanted to write this for a really long time now, so I'm really happy that I finally did it.  
> I really hope that you guys like this, and feedback is always welcome.  
> Thanks so much to you all for reading!


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